on loss and yarn

i’m sitting here, knitting and thinking and praying. i thought back to the sweater i was knitting three years ago, a tiny little sweater. made from tan yarn, with brown and grey flecks. i never finished that sweater, the little boy it was meant for never made it earthside to meet us.

i put the start of that sweater in the little box of treasures we’d collected for him, and couldn’t figure out what to do with the rest of the yarn…i certainly couldn’t use it for any other project, it became special, sacred. i braided an anklet from it, i wore it until it came off, on the day my harper came earthside, the cycles and signs of life are funny like that.

so many of my memories, tied to yarn, to hats and sweaters and trinkets i’ve made and collected over years. i think the green sweater i am making now, it will always remind me of sitting in a hospital room with my family, listening to all of our stories about my grandpa. laughing and crying at the same time, and facing my own fears of death and loss, of grief and sadness.

someone should write a rule book, how to lose the ones you love, what to do in the days and years after. how to keep on laughing, cooking and singing songs, while not forgetting. how to keep your heart from hardening and to stay with the folks you love, not severing the ties that connect you (in hopes of not feeling the sting of loss again). some day, i hope to figure it all out.